The Two Bar Life
by brahdley jims
Summary: Diana's thoughts on the boat ride back to Perdido Beach at the end of Plague. - oneshot, angsty.


**AN: **My first fic for the Gone series. I don't know where this came from, but I imagine there must have been so much going through Diana's head near the end of Plague, and this a result of that. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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><p>Diana wanted music again.<p>

She wanted it more than anything else on the planet – or, on second thoughts, in the FAYZ – right now. She wished so hard that she could escape into the words and the sounds and the instruments, and leave the world and all her common sense behind her in some blurred flurry on unimportance. She needed to forget about the past few weeks, about the thing growing inside her, about _him_.

But she couldn't. And Diana hated not being able to do something.

She laid a tentative hand on her stomach, acutely aware of what people might think if they glanced over and noticed this seemingly harmless but intimate gesture. But of course, nobody did look at her. Out of Quinn, Penny, Bug and _him, _not one acknowledged her. Diana hadn't set out to lose all her authority, but she had anyway. Nobody cared anymore, least of all him.

_Him. _Why did everything always come back down to him?

The boy who was more messed up than anyone else she'd ever met. The boy who made her feel things she thought she'd closed herself off to. The boy she'd finally given everything to. The boy, despite all he'd tried to give up for her, tossed her aside as soon as a new opportunity arose. Like she was worthless.

Diana considered the word in her head as she twisted a strand of dark hair around her finger (it was shoulder-length now, gradually the lustrous effect it had one had). Worthless. And, oh God, she _felt __it. _Felt _worthless. _She'd let herself be used and used and used by Caine, so many times she'd lost count. If anybody found out, she'd be called a slut. Of course, she would be found out. Eventually. When she started to show. Why couldn't an abortion clinic have been trapped in the FAYZ, anyway?

She hummed softly in time to the boat's rocking movements against the waves. They weren't rough or at all loud. They hadn't been since the FAYZ wall appeared – there was no wind or really any changing weather at all to affect the sea. She found her eyes wandering to a spot in the distance where she could just about make up where the wall must be. With a rough idea of where the FAYZ wall was and what it cut off, Diana could sort of see it, if she squinted. If you knew what to look for. She wondered if anybody _was _out there, looking in on them, if they could see anything. What would they think of all the deaths, of the warring sides? Of a fifteen-year-old girl getting pregnant? Maybe they'd think that all the kids stuck in the FAYZ had done pretty well, all things considered. Quite a few people were still alive. The little kids were carrying around small knives, not big ones. Diana was, as far as she knew, the only girl who'd been knocked up.

_Yeah, _she thought bitterly, _we__'__ve __done __ourselves __proud._

Diana looked around, catching sight of Caine stood at the far end of the boat, his back to her, gazing at Perdido Beach coming closer - or rather, the ruins of what was Perdido Beach. The fire had claimed a good portion of the houses, leaving charred rubble and blackened wood in its wake. He looked like a captain at the helm of his ship, tall, strong, powerful, prepared to conquer. Except this wasn't his ship, and she was sure not everyone living in Perdido Beach would be taken as easily as he expected they would. Sam and his little Mexican terrier were waiting for them, and Diana knew for a fact that Mexican terrier had an army. A small, pathetic one – look at Brittany, for God's sake, she'd been a laugh – but an army nonetheless. Oh, yes, and faithful little Astrid the bible basher. Who could forget her?

Diana took in Caine's ruffled hair, darker than her own; let her eyes travel the slopes of his shoulders and his proud, straight back, his stance balanced and steady. He looked as if this was where he was supposed to be, in this moment. Here. His place. The sun hung low and contently in the sky, casting a halo-like glow around his body. He looked beautiful, perfect.

So why couldn't his place be back on the Brattles' private island, with her? Why couldn't he be beautiful and perfect with her? Why did he have to be so _Napoleon?_

They could live quite comfortably, Diana thought, her mind running away with itself before she had a chance to snatch it back and slap it in the face. Her, Caine and their baby. Of course they'd still have Bug and Penny, but she was sure Bug would get bored and disappear for good after some time, and she couldn't see Penny surviving very long without Lana's help. It would just be them, their little imperfect but flawless trio. Her, Caine, and the baby, together for a few months, together until the FAYZ wall came down, maybe even together for eternity if it never did. Would that be so bad? Would that be such an awful thing to do – to just _stop_?

Diana shook her head quickly, a sudden movement that made her head hurt. Of course it would. Caine would never do that, he wouldn't be able to stand the thought of all he was 'missing out on' back on the mainland. He might say, time and time again, that he would stay. For her. For the baby – if it didn't come out with the head of Satan or something. But Diana had learnt something about Caine in the last few hours to which she thought she was the only exception: _Caine __lies._

_What __a __stupid __girl, __Diana. __Stupid, __worthless __girl. __Caine _lies.

And in her heart of hearts – she did have a heart, no matter what people said – she knew she'd never have the strength to stop him. Just as he'd never have the strength to do the most difficult thing in the world, and stay with her.

Diana watched Caine carefully, knowing he was formulating plans in his head. She could practically see the cogs turning. – and the imaginary crown he pictured himself having. He hadn't consulted her once, or even spoken to her since they'd left. Diana had lost all her power. She might be his 'Queen', as Caine had gleefully put it, but that meant nothing. He had gotten what he wanted from her. And she could pretend all she wanted, but Diana was the lowest of them all now. And if he found out she was pregnant…

She couldn't stop Caine. She couldn't put herself back on top. But she did have one thing left she was willing to fight for, something that was only beginning, something that she was sure even she couldn't screw up.

Laying her hand back on her stomach, Diana smiled tenderly, feeling the two-bar life inside her. With that life came her old life, her old fire ignited again. Maybe she'd been wrong all this time, and it wasn't Caine she would do anything for.

Because Diana knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would do anything, give up everything, for this baby.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>I don't like the ending, but I like reviews. Drop me a line? :)


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